EMBRACE MISTAKES: From Embarrassment to Connection

I was about to be humiliated in front of 40 people. While giving a presentation, I reached for a bottle of water because I was thirsty.  I was also listening to someone in the back making a comment, at the same time, and was not pay attention to the position of the  bottles.  They toppled over creating quite a scene. I did not let fear take over me. I quickly put the bottles upright while repositioning one as if I had done that on purpose. When everything was back in order, I instinctively struck a pose like a magician finishing a trick and said, “Tada!” The audience laughed, and I turned what would’ve been an embarrassing moment into an opportunity to connect with the audience. I had learned to embrace mistakes.

Me embracing a mistake. Did I mention I was wearing a top hat and cape?

I would not have done that 3 years earlier before I started taking online improv classes.  My younger self would have said “Oops, my apologies,” and that moment would have haunted me for the rest of the week…or the rest of my life.  The techniques from those classes saved me from something truly regrettable, and what started as a hobby became something much more meaningful over time. The skills I developed proved to be incredibly useful in everyday interactions, and have enhanced my responses to these types of moments.

One of the tenets of improv is to lean into mistakes and accusations. When someone accuses you of something, you say “Yes! I did that, and here's why....” All characters in a scene should have agency. Having agency means being intentional in making a choice instead of being forced by an external character or circumstance. This took me more than a year to learn how to apply it, and actually be comfortable with this idea because having someone point out your mistakes or intentionally accuse you of something is very scary.

Most people typically become defensive when accused of something we feel is not true or don't want it to be true about ourselves. This state of disbelief is called cognitive dissonance. This is a psychological term used to describe the mental discomfort we feel when we hold two conflicting beliefs in our minds. The inconsistency between creates a state of tension, making us feel uncomfortable and causes us to find ways to reduce this feeling.  One way to do that is becoming defensive and denying the reality hoping to force the accuser to agree.  Another way is to blame it on an external force, which then shifts the blame. This causes the other person to engage in a conflict of what is real and what is not, which will usually result in an argument. Trying to desperately disprove the other person creates a situation that becomes increasingly heated.

Once I started getting used to this concept, these types of situations became less scary, and I noticed I could apply it to situations outside of improv. For example, in my team chat at work, I posted a message about being on vacation for a week. One of the other team members jokingly commented, “Can I come?” Naturally, people could become defensive by denying the reality. Did this person really want to join my family at a lakeside cabin for a weekend retreat? I can see how if I said, “No” This would create tension, but instead I replied, “We’re spending the week at a lakeside cabin. Bring some steaks and an extra deck of cards.” He then followed up with a BBQ meme gif and we both had a good laugh about it. I could feel a difference in not just the interaction with me and my co-worker, but with other team members. Other people saw the exchange and joined in on the fun. Just by reframing my attitude towards my co-workers, and being more accepting of others, I created a more positive environment.

In another instance, during our weekly team retrospective where we’re asked a question to learn more about each other. We were sharing what we would do if we were independently wealthy, I said, “I would bake sourdough and write a book.” Later someone praised me for helping them with tasks during the week, and they complimented my ability to multitask. I could have ignored it or downplayed it like most people who feel embarrassed for being recognized. However, I leaned into it and said, “I’m a triplet. We take turns going to work, and one of us is at home writing the book.” Someone else quickly chimed in, “And the other one is making sourdough!” The whole team had a good laugh! This could have been an improv scene. I was no longer restricted to creating comedy in my classes, but now I realize how I could create comedy anywhere.

This is the magic “Yes, and”. How do I build upon the reality created by my scene partner or other people in the scene? Translating this to the work environment, how do I build upon the environment that has been created by my co-workers? When we deny people, we make them feel like they’re not heard or their opinions are not valued, which causes them to shut down and not want to contribute. Like the old adage, “Once bitten, twice shy.” The way to encourage psychological safety is to value and respect input from everyone on the team. This is not to say don’t set limits, there should be limits such as time constraints and inappropriate comments, but if those boundaries aren’t crossed, then every suggestion or comment could be an opportunity to become an improv scene to set the team atmosphere.

The next time you feel cognitive dissonance peeking out from your conscience, try to “Yes, and” the request and see if you can reframe it to a more positive reality that builds relationships instead of destroying it. The difference between  an embarrassing situation and a memorable moment could be a simple magician's pose and a well-timed “Tada!”